kristin,

you have looked at this a lot i think....

write me a comment if you arn't planning on getting on AIM. i need to talk to you about this. if i cant talk to you about this, then i cant take you to school tomorrow because i don't think that i'm going.

sorry i have to be so pathetic about it. its how i am, and i don't know how to get over it.

i'm so irritable.
i guess that i'm tired as well..so it might have something to do with it.

i'm going to talk about it on here beucase i can. i don't care who sees i'll delete if kristin wants me too.

i dont want kristin to date alec...i don't. for strictly selfish reasons, when i let that jealousy take over, it makes me want to just yell at her, telling her that i don't want it to happen...but i really try to control it. yet, there is another side. when i honestly believe that it would just turn out bad and just honestly feel that in the end, kristin is the one who is going to get hurt beucae she is so nice (which isnt a horriable thing) that i know for a fact that she wouldn't be able to end it...so either it will end like roy and i's relationship ended (lasted far too long and involved so much awakwardness that it sucked) or it will end in a way that leaves kristin hurt from an immature boy who likes to think that he likes people, but when he gets into a relationship, he suffers. i believe that alec likes the chase. i've been thinking about his past relationships and basically...he likes the girl a lot untill he dates her...sometimes he stopes liking her once she starts liking him back. if you can honestly prove me wrong...anyone...please, let me know. i feel like a jerk who doesn't want her friend to be happy...and maybe i am deep down. but i really just don't see how it could end well. and i don't know why anyone would want to set themself up for pain. i understand in the sense that she can't just get over him...i really do. and i dont know what to say about it...yes i've been in the same situation...but, ugh, its like a parent thing? i liked kevin so much...i really did...and even though people said things like "he hurt you twice" i still liked him...but like a parent who smokes tells their children to never pick up a cigerette...they want the best for their children, and i want the best for my friends. it was painful getting over kevin...being so close to him one day and the next day have to put it all behind me...but i did it. it took time, but it worked. i just want kristin to have a great relationship with a guy...and from the impression i'm getting, she sees it as, if she gets hurt, she learns, but if the odds are a gainst you, no matter how much you want it, why would you put yourself in the position to get hurt?

i've also decided today that i have faith in God through other people sometimes. when someone who i look up to suddenly seems to me as if they are disregarding the spiritual aspect of their life, it makes me suffer in my faith. i think to myself "well, if they don't think about God's point if view on the situation...maybe i don't have to either." and its a horriable thing i know and i don't know how to stop. and i know that this kristin does pray  about her situation...and i know that she cares what God thinks, it's just that in my mind, i think i pictured her caring more about it? making her decisions based on what would be best for her as a christian. i don't want her getting into a relatinship...then having the stress of making alec a christian almost. i think that the whole relationship aspect of it would be gone almost...and if that didn't happen, if she wasn't trying to get alec to become spiritually healthy, the relationship would fail beucase he isnt on her level spiritually...i know what kristin thinks about..she thinks about the deep christian stuff...the stuff that i havent learned how to comprehend yet, and for God to be that big in her life, i can't see how she would let her self get into an open, honest, somewhat physical relationship with somebody unlike her in that way. i can't comprehend it at all. and it makes me sad. to think that my friend doesn't see that. and i think taht she does, but she doesn't see it in the way that i do.

Kristin: i want you to think about it. maybe if you try talking to alec, inviting him to your church, maybe comming to my church on a sunday and bringing him or something, before you make the comittment to date him...help him spiritually first, before you make the comittment. I honestly feel that if you get into this relationship first, then you will forget about the God part of it. not just completely forget, but it won't be something that you talk about with him. and isn't God something that you would love talking to your boyfriend about? and not just talking about God, becuase i know that you already have done that, but i mean talking about God on the same level...in a way like you and Brennan did. i know how much you enjoyed that, and i could see at the time, how much it was helping you spiritually. I think that you want to help alec get closer to God, which is great...i'm so glad you want to do that...but, i also know that there is no gurentee that he will. the moment you are in a relationship with him, he has won. he has you, not that its a game, but its more of a goal. you told him that you wern't going to date him...and now he knows that you wern't really serious. that there was no way you could stop liking him. he knows this. and now i think that if you date him, he will know that you won't break up with him if he doesnt become a christian, if he doesn't go to church and youth group becuase you like him too much. and its true. and i'm sorry that i'm so honest, and i'm not sitting here letting you make your own decisions like you let me do over and over. but its how i am. i'm going to make a really strict parent some day i'm sure. in my mind i don't see this working out. and if you were to come out and ask me if you should date alec, my answer would be no. but if you do...i support you. i can't promise that if you do date him that we will necessarly be as close. we will still be great friends, adn i will love you, and i will be here for you to talk to...but i'm not sure how close we will be compared to now...i love you, and i have faith that you will make the right decision. i will always be here for you, and will support your decision 100%. you are a smart smart girl, and i know that you know what is right.

well. im using this again. why? becuase i need an outlet, i dont care if anyone reads, i dont care if anybody cares, i just need an outlet, and this is it.

im selfish. sooo selfish. im a brat. i need attention. i need to be needed. i need to be loved. and i need to be included. sorry. its who i am, i'm fed up with it too. believe me, i wish that i wasnt so needy, so high maintence, so bossy and jealous. i don't like being in the center of the drama..i hate it. but when im not involved, i feel like i know nothing. i feel like i can't talk to my friends anymore, becuase i dont know the inside jokes...but then i remember that i was always the center of attention. i feel like a jerk. i have so much in my life, my mom loves me just as i am..and she does things with me, she takes me shopping and buys me clothes, she supports me, shes the only parent out of all of my friends parents who care enough about knowing my teachers, having a relationship with them, that she wants to go to parent teacher confrences. i love her for that, so much. and i know that i am blessed to have a mom like her. i wasnt abused, nobody close to me has died, my parents arn't drug addicts, and i'm not having that hard of a time in school. i know. I have a great life. people who don't know me, some of them, may think that its perfect, because written on paper, i have the friends, the family, the extra cirruclars, i have "it all". but i don't, and i feel like everyone just thinks im selfish. especially a few certian people. i feel like we are comparing lives like its a game "whoever has the worst life wins". i'm sorry that i like being the center of attention. but sometimes, people need to realise that this right here, this whole entry...and all the entries on my myspace, thats not what they are about. im a people person, yes, i don't keep things inside, i tell everyone basically everything, if i dont get it out there, for other people to read, then its still inside. some people are okay with a diary, something nobody everreads...and thats great for them, i almost wish that i could do that, but i can't i have to let somebody know. if nobody knows, i feel like im lying.  

i feel like everybody thinks im just being dramatic and trying to get attention. and im not, i dont know how to prove it...ive tried.  i could tell you everything, but im sure that you don't want to know, and it would make me sound like im trying to get even more attention. i realised that im only myself on the internet. i can say all of my feelings, pour it all out, online. yet, at the sleepover we had on tuesday, i couldnt bring myself to talk about it. it wasnt that i was feeling better, and it wasnt that i didn't want to. i wanted to, but i was scared. we were having a good time like we always do, and i didnt want to ruin it. at one point, someone even asked if there was anything important and serious that needed to be said, and i said no. i wanted to say yes, but i couldnt bring myself to say it. you guys are my closest friends, but i can't talk to you all at once. im afraid that one of you will roll your eyes at me. and that another one of  you will just sit there, and not say anything, although i know that you are thinking many things. and then the other three will be there to tell me how sorry you are. and it would end, we would all sit there, go onto another conversation, and almost completely forget about it, but thats where my need tfor attention kicks in...i start feeling liek the people we sit and gossip about. which is so wrong of us to do, but it always happens. we talk about them, some of them we talk about for hours...and then its done..everything had been said, some thigns have been repeated, and its over. we move on, and talk about the next person. i don't want my problems to be just another thing we talk about. i feel like they are more than that, they are things i actually have to deal with, and im sure that they have been talked about behind my back already. i just want to be actually cared about, and i feel like i dont have that. like i said, i know that you care...and if you have read this far..i know that you care a lot. its more of just, none of us show it. if i had said something on tuesday, nothign would have been said about it on friday, and nothing would have been said about it at school. we wouldnt have talked about it at the christmas party either. almost as if it were forgotten. i know that everyone has felt this way, i know that ive felt this way before..its just that now, im saying it. maybe somethign needs to be changed, or maybe i just need to deal with the way things are, i just never know how to deal with things like this, and i want somebody to help me.

i know that this was long, but i thank everyone who read it.

its been almost a year since i updated. wow.

here's a bunch of icons that either make me laugh, or relate to me. 
i've broken them up into catagories, because i don't want you to get them confused.

Funny:

(sixteen candles is a good movie)

(if you dont get it, you are a deprived child, best book ever)

 (ha. hahaha)

(its true)

Real (I'll let you make your own observations as to who the serious ones are about. bet you there are some you won't get.):

but for some reason im a little sad now.

i dont really know why, and i wish that someone would just come and tell me. i knew it was over. i knew for so long, for the whole 7 months it could have happend at any given time, and i was ready...i almost knew that it was going to happen.

but when you are totally prepared, and ready for something, you dont go to sleep crying about it.

i feel pretty terriable, for doing the things that i did, and acting the way i acted. im sorry for all of it, and i really hope that we can be okay. although, i doubt that it will be anytime soon.

we were just so different, you know? or maybe we are just the same, we never give in, never totally give in with anything.

i will miss those moments. the ones where it was just us...they were really nice...and im pretty sure that you will miss them for a while too. but thats okay, everyone needs memories. they will be good ones, right?

its over.. and i will get over it.